Nothin’ but the Truth.

Being an English Major allows me to live in a world full of fake British accents, hand gestures and most importantly, criticisms. I thought it would be a great idea to major in writing and express myself through funny stories and outrageous anecdotes. Boy was I wrong. The English major is a self-involved, arrogant piece of shit who writes about death in all forms (suicide, murder, accidents… you name it) I, on the other hand, enjoy writing comedies. I like to make people feel good. Life is a lot better with laughter. However, English majors believe people should become Emo after reading their stories. After being an English Major for the past 2 years (I transferred from a community college) I realized they are all insane. I’m insane for becoming an English major. I should’ve picked an easier major like business or teaching. At least I would be able to find a job after graduation. I’m lucky if I can find a job as a receptionist.           

  English majors love talking. I think workshopping is a good tool but when I have to sit and listen to Mr. Fat s.o.b. talk about how my story “Just doesn’t work for me” I stab my cochlea. I can’t handle listening to people giving me “tips for revision” when their stories suck ballz! It’s as if I can’t win because the true English majors know some way to butter up their professors. They must be giving them all BJs after class because I swear my stories aren’t great but not deserving of C’s and B’s. These people all write about the same shit! Autumn winters during World War II and characters that are dry and remind me of Nicholas Sparks’s novels. I think it’s funny that Nicholas Sparks started writing the cheesy novels that he makes millions of dollars off of after going into Barnes and Noble and asking a clerk what types of books women read. I should do that. Choose a cheesy genre, write mediocre stories, and make millions of dollars. That would be sweet. I could finally buy my Mazda 3. Ooohhh those are sweet cars.      

       Anyways, I think it’s wrong if my classmates resort to giving English professors BJs in order to get good grades on their stories. I wouldn’t resort to something like that. I’m a lady. I would rather suffer with a C in intermediate fiction than spend any extra time with my douche bag professors. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some good professors. Some have actually given some valid advice! Imagine that, a teacher doing their job and not just judging me because their egos are too big to help upcoming writers! Crazy.       

      I love comedy. I grew up watching the Three Stooges and Ren and Stimpy with my dad. I think I’m the way I am because of my father. He’s insane, in a good way. We laugh at the same stuff. This includes farts, poop and people getting hurt. However, if you laugh at either one of us when we get hurt we get angry. It’s not funny when it happens to you. I do love poop jokes, though. You can’t sit there with a straight face when someone next to you lifts their ass and a giant burst of ass gas comes wafting by. That’s funny stuff.  I belch a lot. I love to burp because it frees a little bit of me into the world. I don’t burp on command because that takes all the fun out of it. You have to let the gas grow inside of you like a baby then set it free when it’s ready. If it’s premature, you may have some afterbirth (I call this as “mouth sewage”). My dad did have a lot to do with me wanting to become a writer. I love how he tells the same damn stories all the time but they never get old. I want to do that. I want people to re-tell my stories so my humor can travel around the world. The one thing that is different is I swear, a lot. In casual conversation, I sprinkle “ass”, “Damn”, “shit”, “fuck” on like sentence paprika. I don’t mean to. I think it’s because I commute every day to the city and I hate people who don’t know how to fucking drive in the city. See, there I go again. But I mean, seriously, if you don’t know how to read, don’t drive. Fuckers.    

        You know what else English majors do? Drink obscene amounts of Starbucks. I remember watching “Family Guy” once and they cracked a joke about how screenwriters sit in Starbucks and type their scripts. Well, guess where I am drinking coffee from a festive holiday cup, typing this blog…. STARBUCKS! I fit into this stereotype and it sucks. I swear Starbucks puts crack in their pumpkin Spice lattes. They are so delicious and it’s like drinking autumn goodness. Yummy. I get the shakes if I don’t drink enough coffee in a day. My eyes start to blink a lot and the withdrawal affects my daily routines. If  I don’t drink enough I forget where I parked my car, my address, papers and the worst was when I forgot my own name. That is how serious my addiction is. I wouldn’t be surprised if in like 10 years there is a rehab for caffeine addicts. How funny would that be?!  Britney Spears can add that to her laundry list of issues.      

      Britney Spears… Where do I begin? I’m a fan of her music. I know, I know she lip-syncs. But she has some catchy tunes. I jam to “Oops” all the time. I even learned the dance moves for a sketch in my 9^th grade theatre class. I fell and everyone laughed at me. The real Britney is a piece of trailer trash with more money anyone ever needs. She has like 11 cars, 3 houses and a lifetime supply of cheetos. The girl’s got it made. He kids are cute; too bad she drops them all the time. I guess that’s what plastic surgery is for. KFED- hmm… I actually have no opinion about him. He got famous for doing nothing. Good for him. He also made Britney a complete nutcase. I have a feeling she was always crazy. I think it just took her cheating on Justin for it to come out. Justin is cute and talented. He could do better than Britney and I bet he is so happy that she went and banged Wade Robson. I actually wrote a parody of a Britney song for my Shakespeare class. I used the tune for “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” and wrote in lyrics about Richard III. It’s talks about him being a hunchback and no one loves him but he is going to kill his family and be king. I liked it.       

      I love making a mockery out of serious subjects. People in this world are too damn serious. Lighten up! My favorite topic is politics. People get so pissed off about the war, Bush, economy… whatever. I think it’s funny how assholes like Hannity, O’Reilly, Mar and the other crazies who think their opinion matters. If you look up their past they are all lying jagoffs. I consider myself moderate. I know some may see that as a copout but screw you for thinking that. I was thinking of going uber conservative because it’s far more rebellious to be conservative in Hollywood than Liberal is. In addition, I don’t want to be associated with douche bags like Alec Baldwin (Vile Pig!), Streisand (don’t get me started), and Rosie (just because you’re loud doesn’t mean people listen to you, you stupid over-opinionated, close-minded, piece of shit) and to think I watched her show after school. L           

  I bet I Rosie went to college she would have been an English major. That thought scares the shit out of me. I refuse to end up sipping a latte with strategically placed tattoos smoking pot and talking with hand gestures that make the people sitting next to me nervous because I come too close to smacking them in the face.  I’m sure I can write more on this subject and probably will. I just can’t stay in Starbucks any longer.